I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 20. To be honest, at the time I thought I tricked the doctor into giving me Adderall. I was not about to accept that I actually needed support, or that I wasn’t neurotypical. I just felt like I needed something to help me finish college, and drugs seemed like any easy solution for a kid with complex trauma already leaning on other drugs like alcohol to cope. It’s been years since I used any of those ways to slow down and numb myself though. Which, if you knew me as a teen and young adult, is pretty incredible. I don’t talk about it in public a lot, but I am so grateful for the people, places and practices that have come into my life and taught me better ways.
I recently I heard the terms Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and Rejection Sensitivity (RS), and it hit me hard that I experienced this kind of dysphoria (profound emotional pain, oppositional to euphoria) for as long as I can remember. I learned not to show it on the surface in work/school settings over time, but so much got internalized and came out sideways (or head on) in personal relationships. I’ve also had several conversations with ADHD adults and parents of kids with ADHD in the last few months, and I heard a lot that resonated too. So, I figured I’d share some of what I’ve been learning here:
ADHD can present in many different ways:
⚪️ For me it presented (and can still show up) mostly as impulsivity, lack of focus, oversharing, and chronic people pleasing due to RS/RSD.
⚪️It can also look like hyper focus (this is what Ritalin and Adderall exacerbated when I took them), time blindness, messiness, inability to sit still, and “careless” mistakes that are really a symptom of going too quickly rather than carelessness
⚪️When mixed with other disorders like anxiety or depression, as well as with gifts like high intellect and creativity, signs and symptoms can vary even more
I’ve been loving the howtoADHD YouTube channel, and something she said that really resonated with me is that gifted kids with ADHD often do not get diagnosed because they learn to hide their differences in attempt to fit in. So they do aright or “fine” in school, but often get the “you have so much potential, you just need to try harder” lines without any guidance in how to be supported to actually do better. This was definitely true for me, and my bet is it’s true for my kiddo too, so I’ll be curious to learn more about how to support him as he goes through school too.
I realized a lot of what I’ve been doing with knowledge and space organization, and even with yoga as sort of an internal organization and regulation practice, are ways I naturally found to support myself to do better, which is why I’m including this post in the PKM section here. It is helpful in some ways though to be able to finally acknowledge that I am not neurotypical, and to start to reframe practices in that light. I don’t think I’ll take medication again, and I’m grateful to the parent who told me a cup of coffee does far more for his kid’s ADHD than the Ritalin did. I’m sure it is right for some people, and in no way want to give any kind of medical advice. I’m speaking entirely from my own experience and anecdotes shared with me on this subject. I will continue to learn about this “disorder” though, and practice what I learn.
More resources for living with ADHD and ADD:
🔅ADDA
🔅Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD)
🔅ADDitude Magazine
🔅American Professional Society of ADHD and Related Disorders (APSARD)
🔅Child Mind Institute
🔅 Black Girl Lost Keys Blog
